Seize The Day or die regretting the time you lost it's empty and cold without you here so many people to ache over...

So I think I have officially pretty much hit rock bottom... I'm never happy anymore... nothing ever seems to go the way I want it to be... It's just overall a complete shit fest.... and it sucks.

A week or so ago I finally broke down enough to email my teacher and beg her for help. Now I'm ashamed of it because I felt like I was being a bit overdramatic... well... not overdramatic... more or less shouldn't have told her as much as I did. Because now she is breathing down my neck to see if I am doing what she advised me to do... I find myself avoiding her. Which isn't helping me any at all whatsoever.

"Though I've tried I've fallen I have sunk so low I am messed up better I should know so don't come round here saying I told you so..."

So I finally called the counselor like she asked me to... set up an appointment for Friday at 2 o'clock... hopefully I will be able to get some sort of relief going there... I really hope so... cause I am so done with everythn it isn't even funny anymore. My friend Lisa wants me to find my insurance card and go to the doctor to get happy pills... I will try but idk where the damn card is... My psych teacher wants me to do the same thing. Once again I question my judgement in wether or not I should have spilled EVERYTHING to her... It rather scares me.

"Gonna smile when I get worried, I try but it shows, everyone can see my every flaw, it isn't hard, anyone can say they're above this all, it takes my pain away."

I have been thinking rather a lot lately about this little shithole I happened to let myself fall into. So much shit seems to happen in my life and I am getting so sick and tired of it. I fall for people and find me picking myself off the ground because it never works out. I am tired of there never being a day go by without drama. Wether it's with friends, my life, or my family. My mom has officially pissed me the hell off to where I don't care if I never talk to her again. I'm sick of her doing shit to either upset me or let me down. And I am sick of her fucking husband that makes me feel like a stranger when I am in the house. It makes me not want to even visit them anymore. And if my sisters weren't there I probably wouldn't ever again.

"I don't know what's worth fighting for or why I have to scream."

It seems to me latelythat I am fading from friends and fast. So many little things bug me and I hate it. There are some friends that act like they don't want anything to do with me or so it seems. And to be quite honest it is tearing me apart because I feel I can't talk to them about it because we are fading so fast. As for Meagan-Leigh things aren't normal with us anymore. I finally added her back but we hardly ever talk. Mostly because I am hesitant to get close to her ever again. I just really hate it where it all comes down to this. I need friends my past shows that I need them to live seeing as I don't have much else. I can't let go like this.

"Because these words were never easier, for me to say, or her to second guess."

As for George I am officially done with him. DONE. I am not... no... I REFUSE to let myself get chewed up and spit out by him. If he really loved me like he said he did he would try harder to stay with me and would have tried harder rather than fucking it up all the god damn time. I'm done. I hope his little fling with me was good for him because I am done handing out chances like it's candy.


Soo... that's enough venting for now... can't realy think about anything else I wanna say... so... sionara..

do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind [3/10/09]

Blah. That seems to be all I can say about my life at the moment. Cause right now I really really really hate it. Let us go over all the bullshit that has happened lately. Shall we?

Well for starters let's talk about the big thing that happened. I had the absolutely shittiest Valentines week ever. Seeing as George broke up with me during it. I fucking hate him so bad right now. Thanks to him my life is a bigger hell than it was before.

The ass broke up with me like 4 days before Valentines Day saying he found someone else. And I am pretty sure they started dating the day before while I was home upset and sick seeing as he made me get rid of my puppy and I fucking loved that dog more than anything. You can ask anybody who has seen me with her. She was my baby.

So now he is with her and from what I have heard they had sex a week after they started dating. Isn't that nice? Really supports the idea that he broke up with me because I wouldn't sleep with him. Which is a bunch of bullshit. I held him so much higher than that. He swore he would wait for me. Wait untill I was ready. But apparently he can't wait too long. And apparently he isn't one to hold a promise with.

Speaking of promises, let me add this little thing. George proposed to me a while ago and I accepted. That promise was obviously broken. And apparently only a couple days after George and whatsherface got together he proposed to her too. Isn't that nice? Certainly makes me feel as played as hell. I really hate myself and my life. Why can't someone like me and purely like me not just wanting to get in my pants or making me another girl to tally on their record of how many girls they can get with.

We were together for a little more than 9 months. And now that is all down the toilet. Why do I have to be stuck with all the shitty guys. Why can't the guys I like and know wont play me for a fucking fool just like me? What the hell is so wrong with me that all I can get is assholes?

It's pretty obvious I am upset about things. But you know I am so sick of this. I am sick of feeling upset and crying over his stupid ass because of how much he ruined those 9 months of my life. When I was sitting there thinking it was the best time of my life I was only fooling myself. Love is just a big bunch of bullshit. The only love that I can have is for friends. Just put walls around my fucking heart again so now if any guy says that they love me I get to question that. After all they could be another GEORGE and I don't want to make the same MISTAKE TWICE.

And of course me being the way I am I just want to go and fucking die after all of this. Because I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate feeling ALONE. I HATE feeling played. I HATE MYSELF. Especially since there were soo many fucking warning signs telling me to let it go otherwise it was going to kill me in the end. And I am starting to think it just might. Because I can't take this anymore. I was perfectly fine for a while untill I started seeing him again with his girlfriend. So obviously I can't take it. I've been trying to talk myself out of it but I am obviously just trying to fool myself there too.

I just can't believe this has all happened. You would think I would have had enough bullshit happening to me but nope. Just more shit just keeps happening, When is something good going to finally happen? Like people have been telling me, "things will be better". When? When I die? Cause I would rather not wait that long. I just wish that life would give me a god damn break and let me be happy. Cause I really really need it cause I am starting to lose faith and hope that shit will get better. The more shit that happens the more I am starting to believe my life is nothing more than a big piece of shit and it wont ever get better so why even bother being in it. Guh. I even restarted an old habit because of him. And I am terrified of telling my friends cause they are the only thing I can hold onto anymore. Although I am sure Laura will read this at some point and find out. And I just hope that she can forgive me for it. And just understand how the saying from Degrassi is true "once a cutter always a cutter".