and the worst part is, before it gets any better, we're heading for a cliff, and in the free fall i realized, i'm better off when i hit the bottom...
Soo... fucked up again. Go figure. I hate this so bad. I hate upsetting him. I hate pissing him off. I hate making him yell at me. Who am I talking about? My dad who else...
tell me where our time went, and if it was time well spent, just don't let me fall asleep, feeling empty again....
I am in a really rough patch right now... I don't know what to do anymore... I haven't been this severely depressed in a really long time... I'm in pain... My chest hurts... I'm tired all the time... I can't fucking sleep because my dreams interrupt my slumber... I haven't slept a good nights sleep in weeks... I'm so fucking done with everything I can't begin to explain this shit...
something's i'll never know, and i had to let them go, something's i'll never know, and i had to let them go, i'm sitting all alone, feeling empty...
I haven't felt so alone in a while either. I know I have friends. I know there are people out there that would do backflips for me if I asked them to. I get that and I'm so fucking grateful for those friends... I really am... It's just getting to the point that it isn't enough anymore... nothing is enough... Nothing can make me happy... I'm sick of being fucking stuck in this shell of a body... I'm sick of feeling this fucking depressed... Most of the time I just bottle it and keep it stored away so nobody worries about me... But then I hit these points right here where I feel like I've hit rock bottom with all I keep bottled up... Why can't I be like everybody else? Why do I have to take everything so personally? Why the fuck do I have to care so god damn much to where it breaks me in the end?
i wanna know what it'd be like, to find perfection in my pride, to see nothing in the light, i'll turn it off, in all my spite... in all my spite, just turn it off...
I'm the cause of all my depression and hatred because of all the shit that I put myself through. I know that. I try to search for perfection and I can never find it. Why is that? Because it doesn't exist. I know that but for some reason I can't tell my mind and heart to stop looking for it. In my dad's eyes I'm his perfect little angel but he doesn't know how imperfect I really am. And it seems to me the more time I spend with him the more that shows. And the more he gets disappointed in me. And the more I break down.
i don't know why, i believe, in the truth, from inside, go away, from me, leave me alone, ignorance spreads lies, how much will money buy, well i'll take my time, as i drift and die...
I love my friends... every single one of them. But I seem to be pushing my way away from a majority of them... isolating myself like I have before... this isn't good... I'm heading for rock bottom and fast... Perhaps this is why I'm feeling so alone... I'm isolating... I just don't want to talk to anyone half the time... Most of the time I'm too cranky... too tired... too depressed to say a word to anyone.
everyone is changing, there's no one left that's real, so make up your own ending, and let me know just how you feel, cause i am lost without you i cannot live at all, my whole world surrounds you i stumbled and i crawled, you can be my someone you can be my scene, know that i will save you from all of the unclean, i wonder what you're doing, i wonder where you are, there's oceans in between us but that's not very far...
Let's talk about the ex... William Joseph Haynes... Since our rocky break up he and I haven't talked too much... Do you blame me? He pulled my beating heart out of my chest, threw it to the ground, and stomped on it. Just stomped and spit on it... He didn't even break up with me to my face... no... he led me on and let someone else break the news to me before he left to go back to the air force... My entire life revolved around him.. I truly and honestly loved every bit of him to the core. Only to be fucked over in the end. I still love him... very much... I know it's never going to happen again... a part of me accepts that... and I am just happy if he is happy with whoever it is that he is planning to marry...
don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes, this is your life, are you who you wanna be? this is your life are you who you wanna be? this is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be, when the world was younger, and you had everything to lose...
A few months ago he asked me if I still hated him or if we could be friends again.. I told him I didn't hate him anymore but that I was still disappointed in him... He said okay and asked if we could go back to being friends again... I said okay... then we didn't talk again... When I see him on I try to message him to say hi or see how he is doing... What to I get? "Will Haynes has just went offline." That's what I get. He hasn't really talked to me since... I thought he wanted to be friends again... isn't a part of being friends actually talking to one another? Or has the entire world turned into the fact that "we are friends but we never talk." Seems like I'm getting more of that lately...
Flying bullets, hit the targets, wings and halos five to seven, in this white robe, through the darkness, para gliding back to heaven...
My friend Chris is in a rough spot right now... He has had Hodgkins for the past like 5 years... all the pain he went through... all the fighting... all the worrying... all for nothing... they had told him there is nothing more they can do... they don't expect him to live through the year... I for one applaud him for his fight to have lived 5 more years after he had been diagnosed with it... and I hope that the doctors are lying and that you will hang with us a bit longer.. you certainly are a fighter and I believe in you... I would give anything to trade with you... give you the life you deserve than to be in pain 24/7...
Well I'll end my depressing little rant here... seeing as I'm getting distracted and I need to focus on studying anyway.... later..
