>.<'' VENT [X rated with curse words a lot, just a heads up]

I... Am.... So...... Fucking...... Pissed...

My mom is such a fucking bitch. I hate her I hate her I hate her. Go crawl in your little fucking hole mom and stay there.

I love how my mom is so fucking stupid that she bows to her husbands feet and kisses his feet all because she is afraid he will divorce her. Well in my opinion IT WOULD BE BETTER IF HE FUCKING DID. She gives him the power for whatever the fuck he wants. If he doesn't want me to do something then I can't fucking do it. Because HE doesn't want me to. Uhm hello sir you are NOT my father. You did NOT give me life. So you have NO right to fucking take my life away and tell me what I can't do.

I am ideally a great child according to everybody. I don't fucking do drugs, I don't sneak out late at night, I don't drink, don't smoke, I am still a virgin for fucks sake I am 17 and I think that is good cause at least I am not going around and getting pregnant like almost everyone else at my school. I spend most of my time fucking babysitting my sisters. 17 Years old and my life is dedicated to babysitting so I have nothing else to do isn't that great. It is wonderfuckingful you should try it sometime.

I seriously fucking love how Ray tells me that I wear too much makeup sometimes cause I like to put a lot of eyeliner on sometimes. Uhm HellfuckingO kids my age do that. People not my age do that. Shut the fuck up and get over it sir. At least I am not caking every little thing considered make up on. Fucking a.

Okay here is the reason I am pissed at this very moment people. I wanted my friend Desiree to come over but NOOOO. My 'parents' if you can even call them that. Their parenting skills suck more dick than a whore. But nope she can't why is this? Because they want to shit all over my fucking rainbow. They made up excuses like 'It is too last minute' and 'The house is a mess'. THE HOUSE IS ALWAYS A FUCKING MESS WHAT IS NEW. My parents room are fucking dirty 24/7 unless aliens pop down from the sky and steal the shit they leave off their floor. Yet they have the fucking nerve to tell everyone else to clean up. They are more fucking lazy than I am!

I have done shit for them every fucking day. Babysitting my sisters, cooking dinner cause mr. twinkie is too fat and lazy to even bother finishing it, a whole bunch of fucking shit. I EVEN gave up my room. My little room that was all mine. So Jordan can move in with me in that room cause it is too fucking crowded in Kayla and Kirstens room. Who in their fucking right mind would let their preteen sister move into their room by volunteer? Me. Cause I did it for her and everybody else.

But fuck no I can't even have a friend spend the night. Cause the house is a mess and Ray thinks this house is an monarchy and he is hitler or the spawn of jesus even. It is not fucking fair.

So this is how much my life sucks right now. Let us go over key points. My Dad acts like he barely even cares about my existance, My step dad thinks he can RULE my existance, my mom is just a fucking asshole who doesn't give a shit less about me. Or at least she is a great actress at it she should try to get in a movie as a self centered whore! I get to share a room with my ADHD/Autistic sister. Yay for me. My Dad is fading away. We hardly ever have money. My years of high school is ending which is good and bad. Good bye childhood. Hello fucking real world. Maybe if I am lucky the first second I step into the real world a train will derail and hit me or something. Only if I am lucky. I pretty much narrowed down that I have Depression and BiPolar disorder. I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life. The end period caplow. I know I have Depression from researching it and before I was having suicidal thoughts so yay for me. Something else is fucking wrong with me woopdedamndoo. Fuck I need Psychological help or something before I become some mass murderer or something.

Oh by the way George and I got back together. Which is good. Wow stop the tape something good is going on for once.

"They'll tear us apart if you give them the chance."...... And I did

To summarize this blog entry it would be this:
JKSFHJKSFNJKSNFSFJKNGJKNKGNJKSAN!!!!

Yeah but I will tell you the whole story instead.

I miss him. I miss him. Did I mention I miss him? GUH. I wish I didn't miss him so damn bad. I thought I was done moved on. It has been about a month. So why can't I just brush it off my shoulders?! This is killing me. Every time I see him my heart still does backflips. And it hurts how much I miss him. Meh. If I could I would rip out my beating heart from my chest and stomp it into the ground.

I don't really know if I miss him though but one thing is for damn sure. I miss that comfort. It is so freaking tempting to just walk up to him when I see him and just wrap my arms around him and hug him tight like I used to. And now we can't even be friends really because it is just not working out. Excuse my language but FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK,
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

It was not supposed to turn out this way. I wish I could turn back time or something. Freeze time and change things. Something. Why can't I make this right? Oh I remember because I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT. It is sad when people know more things about you than you do. I hate feeling like a stranger. I feel like I am inside someone I don't know and watching the same scene. Over and over. Day by day. Basically the same things.

I am supposed to be freaking happy today. I get to go see Twilight as a field trip. Today is supposed to be AMAZING. But no, something always has to ruin it. I saw him a total of 2 times today. Twice. Doesn't seem much but it is to me.

I miss him so bad. If it is him I am missing. Shit I am just missing. I am starting to wish that I didn't break up with him. I wish we were still together. Be able to watch the movie of our favorite book together. Like nothing happened ever. Just happy together. Or was I happy with him? I don't know. I don't know anything. I must be mentally retarded for not being able to know anything that can have a simple answer. Why did things have to mess up. Why do things always have to mess up. What am I going to do without him?

I really need to get a jump on going to the doctors to get those damn depression pills.....

Life = Chaos

So I haven't written anything in here for a while. Sorry about that. Forgot I even had one for a while. But man oh man I am either feeling majorly pessimistic lately or things are getting chaotic. Maybe both. I am known sometimes for my major pessimism. I don't know it seems a lot of things are going wrong lately.

George is an ex of mine and we broke up pretty much a month ago. He is still holding onto it for dear life though. He will NOT let go. He swears up and down to everyone that we are getting back together. I so badly wanted to stay being friends with him but it just isn't going to work out it seems. And in a way that hurts. I don't want him out of my life completely. I still feel like I need him sometimes. But I can't see him anymore without ending up feeling depressed because of everything he has been doing to me. I am sick of being sad over him. I am sick of being sad period.

I am so depressed lately. Half the time I don't even have a reason to be. It is seriously driving me insane. I super hate it. I am really thinking about getting depression pills or something. I am tired of being sad. I am tired of being angry cause shit sucks. And my anger is really getting out of control. I can't live like this. I shouldn't have to live like this. I really do think I am possibly bipolar. I should probably get something for that too.

I really really really miss my Dad. I am trying harder to see him. We were supposed to go to Halloween Horror Nights this year but it didn't happen. He was too busy with work. I really really miss him. He is supposed to come down soon and see me but I don't know. I really really hate only seeing him a little bit at a time. Whenever I do see him I get super clingy. Never leave his side. He means so much to me it really sucks. I wish he lived closer or something. I hate missing him so much. He is my Dad he should be there all the time but he isn't. Kind of sucks whenever you acknowledge that emptiness.

So College is coming up soon. I still have no freakin idea what I want to do. I figure I will stick with computer stuff cause it seems something I am the best at. I kind of think about going to Rasmussen College. It looks like a really good school. And it isn't too costly neither which helps immensely. It is hard to believe that High School is going to end just around the corner. It is unbelievable how time has passed. I am certainly going to miss a lot of people. Especially if I do move like I want to. I need to get the hell out of this town. Too many bad memories. Sucks when you have lived here 16 3/4 years of your life here in the same house.

So many bad things have been happening it is unbelievable. It is weird because I feel like things are collapsing around me. Then again I could be getting paranoid again. And I fucking hate this. I am regretting a lot of things right about now. I am so stupid. Guh. One of my really really good guy friends Jonathan could have died this last weekend in a car accident. So lucky he came out with only airbag burn. He is one of the only guys I can trust. And that hit me pretty hard. I don't have a clue what I would do without Jonathan. He is one of the best friends I could ask for.

Weirdest thing right here. I feel empty and alone. I don't even know why. I shouldn't feel that way because I have amazing friends who are always around and stuff like that. And I appreciate everything they do for me. And I love spending time with them. Cause honestly I would not trade the friends I have for ANYTHING in the world. I just feel lately like I am a stranger in my own life. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I must be going insane HAHA. Nothing new. I blame George. His insaneness must have rubbed off on me. I just don't get what is going on though. I feel like a stranger in my own skin. Meh.

Well I will end it here. I have things to do. And I am done ranting and venting things out on here. Peace.