Life = Chaos

So I haven't written anything in here for a while. Sorry about that. Forgot I even had one for a while. But man oh man I am either feeling majorly pessimistic lately or things are getting chaotic. Maybe both. I am known sometimes for my major pessimism. I don't know it seems a lot of things are going wrong lately.

George is an ex of mine and we broke up pretty much a month ago. He is still holding onto it for dear life though. He will NOT let go. He swears up and down to everyone that we are getting back together. I so badly wanted to stay being friends with him but it just isn't going to work out it seems. And in a way that hurts. I don't want him out of my life completely. I still feel like I need him sometimes. But I can't see him anymore without ending up feeling depressed because of everything he has been doing to me. I am sick of being sad over him. I am sick of being sad period.

I am so depressed lately. Half the time I don't even have a reason to be. It is seriously driving me insane. I super hate it. I am really thinking about getting depression pills or something. I am tired of being sad. I am tired of being angry cause shit sucks. And my anger is really getting out of control. I can't live like this. I shouldn't have to live like this. I really do think I am possibly bipolar. I should probably get something for that too.

I really really really miss my Dad. I am trying harder to see him. We were supposed to go to Halloween Horror Nights this year but it didn't happen. He was too busy with work. I really really miss him. He is supposed to come down soon and see me but I don't know. I really really hate only seeing him a little bit at a time. Whenever I do see him I get super clingy. Never leave his side. He means so much to me it really sucks. I wish he lived closer or something. I hate missing him so much. He is my Dad he should be there all the time but he isn't. Kind of sucks whenever you acknowledge that emptiness.

So College is coming up soon. I still have no freakin idea what I want to do. I figure I will stick with computer stuff cause it seems something I am the best at. I kind of think about going to Rasmussen College. It looks like a really good school. And it isn't too costly neither which helps immensely. It is hard to believe that High School is going to end just around the corner. It is unbelievable how time has passed. I am certainly going to miss a lot of people. Especially if I do move like I want to. I need to get the hell out of this town. Too many bad memories. Sucks when you have lived here 16 3/4 years of your life here in the same house.

So many bad things have been happening it is unbelievable. It is weird because I feel like things are collapsing around me. Then again I could be getting paranoid again. And I fucking hate this. I am regretting a lot of things right about now. I am so stupid. Guh. One of my really really good guy friends Jonathan could have died this last weekend in a car accident. So lucky he came out with only airbag burn. He is one of the only guys I can trust. And that hit me pretty hard. I don't have a clue what I would do without Jonathan. He is one of the best friends I could ask for.

Weirdest thing right here. I feel empty and alone. I don't even know why. I shouldn't feel that way because I have amazing friends who are always around and stuff like that. And I appreciate everything they do for me. And I love spending time with them. Cause honestly I would not trade the friends I have for ANYTHING in the world. I just feel lately like I am a stranger in my own life. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I must be going insane HAHA. Nothing new. I blame George. His insaneness must have rubbed off on me. I just don't get what is going on though. I feel like a stranger in my own skin. Meh.

Well I will end it here. I have things to do. And I am done ranting and venting things out on here. Peace.