in all my spite, i'll turn it off, just turn it off.

and the worst part is, before it gets any better, we're heading for a cliff, and in the free fall i realized, i'm better off when i hit the bottom...

Soo... fucked up again. Go figure. I hate this so bad. I hate upsetting him. I hate pissing him off. I hate making him yell at me. Who am I talking about? My dad who else...

tell me where our time went, and if it was time well spent, just don't let me fall asleep, feeling empty again....

I am in a really rough patch right now... I don't know what to do anymore... I haven't been this severely depressed in a really long time... I'm in pain... My chest hurts... I'm tired all the time... I can't fucking sleep because my dreams interrupt my slumber... I haven't slept a good nights sleep in weeks... I'm so fucking done with everything I can't begin to explain this shit...

something's i'll never know, and i had to let them go, something's i'll never know, and i had to let them go, i'm sitting all alone, feeling empty...

I haven't felt so alone in a while either. I know I have friends. I know there are people out there that would do backflips for me if I asked them to. I get that and I'm so fucking grateful for those friends... I really am... It's just getting to the point that it isn't enough anymore... nothing is enough... Nothing can make me happy... I'm sick of being fucking stuck in this shell of a body... I'm sick of feeling this fucking depressed... Most of the time I just bottle it and keep it stored away so nobody worries about me... But then I hit these points right here where I feel like I've hit rock bottom with all I keep bottled up... Why can't I be like everybody else? Why do I have to take everything so personally? Why the fuck do I have to care so god damn much to where it breaks me in the end?

i wanna know what it'd be like, to find perfection in my pride, to see nothing in the light, i'll turn it off, in all my spite... in all my spite, just turn it off...

I'm the cause of all my depression and hatred because of all the shit that I put myself through. I know that. I try to search for perfection and I can never find it. Why is that? Because it doesn't exist. I know that but for some reason I can't tell my mind and heart to stop looking for it. In my dad's eyes I'm his perfect little angel but he doesn't know how imperfect I really am. And it seems to me the more time I spend with him the more that shows. And the more he gets disappointed in me. And the more I break down.

i don't know why, i believe, in the truth, from inside, go away, from me, leave me alone, ignorance spreads lies, how much will money buy, well i'll take my time, as i drift and die...

I love my friends... every single one of them. But I seem to be pushing my way away from a majority of them... isolating myself like I have before... this isn't good... I'm heading for rock bottom and fast... Perhaps this is why I'm feeling so alone... I'm isolating... I just don't want to talk to anyone half the time... Most of the time I'm too cranky... too tired... too depressed to say a word to anyone.

everyone is changing, there's no one left that's real, so make up your own ending, and let me know just how you feel, cause i am lost without you i cannot live at all, my whole world surrounds you i stumbled and i crawled, you can be my someone you can be my scene, know that i will save you from all of the unclean, i wonder what you're doing, i wonder where you are, there's oceans in between us but that's not very far...

Let's talk about the ex... William Joseph Haynes... Since our rocky break up he and I haven't talked too much... Do you blame me? He pulled my beating heart out of my chest, threw it to the ground, and stomped on it. Just stomped and spit on it... He didn't even break up with me to my face... no... he led me on and let someone else break the news to me before he left to go back to the air force... My entire life revolved around him.. I truly and honestly loved every bit of him to the core. Only to be fucked over in the end. I still love him... very much... I know it's never going to happen again... a part of me accepts that... and I am just happy if he is happy with whoever it is that he is planning to marry...

don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes, this is your life, are you who you wanna be? this is your life are you who you wanna be? this is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be, when the world was younger, and you had everything to lose...

A few months ago he asked me if I still hated him or if we could be friends again.. I told him I didn't hate him anymore but that I was still disappointed in him... He said okay and asked if we could go back to being friends again... I said okay... then we didn't talk again... When I see him on I try to message him to say hi or see how he is doing... What to I get? "Will Haynes has just went offline." That's what I get. He hasn't really talked to me since... I thought he wanted to be friends again... isn't a part of being friends actually talking to one another? Or has the entire world turned into the fact that "we are friends but we never talk." Seems like I'm getting more of that lately...

Flying bullets, hit the targets, wings and halos five to seven, in this white robe, through the darkness, para gliding back to heaven...

My friend Chris is in a rough spot right now... He has had Hodgkins for the past like 5 years... all the pain he went through... all the fighting... all the worrying... all for nothing... they had told him there is nothing more they can do... they don't expect him to live through the year... I for one applaud him for his fight to have lived 5 more years after he had been diagnosed with it... and I hope that the doctors are lying and that you will hang with us a bit longer.. you certainly are a fighter and I believe in you... I would give anything to trade with you... give you the life you deserve than to be in pain 24/7...

Well I'll end my depressing little rant here... seeing as I'm getting distracted and I need to focus on studying anyway.... later..

I'm raising up my hands... drive another nail in...

why do we crucify ourselves? every day, i crucify myself. nothing i do is good enough for you...

Mmmm..... I felt like updating my blog for once... Seeing as I feel like a piece of shit right now not sure how good or nice it's gonna be... just a heads up...

got a bowling ball in my stomach... got a desert in my mouth...

So I feel like hell today... Valentines Day.... Hmph.... More like Happy Hallmark Day... this day was just formed by the companies to make naive people like me hopeful... Hopeful yet left extremely disappointed... I really wasn't looking forward to today... at all... I had class all day... Lab... Wasn't thinking I was gonna get home till about 5... not exactly the perfect way to spend Valentines Day...

it's just an empty cage girl if you kill the bird...

I feel insanely alone today... I'm not sure if I am really feeling that way or if it's just the remains of a shitty day... perhaps it is both... I find it odd that I feel alone and I push people away... I stop talking as much if I talk at all... Heh... I guess today is just another low... Perhaps tomorrow I will feel better... The only good thing about my Valentines Day, other than my dad attempting to cheer me up, was the fact that I have a Valentine... What blows is I couldn't hang with him today... Lamesauce... I'll make it up to him... next time I'm in town... For now I need sleep... before I vomit all over my dad's rug... ciao...

where those angels, when you need em?

Seize The Day or die regretting the time you lost it's empty and cold without you here so many people to ache over...

So I think I have officially pretty much hit rock bottom... I'm never happy anymore... nothing ever seems to go the way I want it to be... It's just overall a complete shit fest.... and it sucks.

A week or so ago I finally broke down enough to email my teacher and beg her for help. Now I'm ashamed of it because I felt like I was being a bit overdramatic... well... not overdramatic... more or less shouldn't have told her as much as I did. Because now she is breathing down my neck to see if I am doing what she advised me to do... I find myself avoiding her. Which isn't helping me any at all whatsoever.

"Though I've tried I've fallen I have sunk so low I am messed up better I should know so don't come round here saying I told you so..."

So I finally called the counselor like she asked me to... set up an appointment for Friday at 2 o'clock... hopefully I will be able to get some sort of relief going there... I really hope so... cause I am so done with everythn it isn't even funny anymore. My friend Lisa wants me to find my insurance card and go to the doctor to get happy pills... I will try but idk where the damn card is... My psych teacher wants me to do the same thing. Once again I question my judgement in wether or not I should have spilled EVERYTHING to her... It rather scares me.

"Gonna smile when I get worried, I try but it shows, everyone can see my every flaw, it isn't hard, anyone can say they're above this all, it takes my pain away."

I have been thinking rather a lot lately about this little shithole I happened to let myself fall into. So much shit seems to happen in my life and I am getting so sick and tired of it. I fall for people and find me picking myself off the ground because it never works out. I am tired of there never being a day go by without drama. Wether it's with friends, my life, or my family. My mom has officially pissed me the hell off to where I don't care if I never talk to her again. I'm sick of her doing shit to either upset me or let me down. And I am sick of her fucking husband that makes me feel like a stranger when I am in the house. It makes me not want to even visit them anymore. And if my sisters weren't there I probably wouldn't ever again.

"I don't know what's worth fighting for or why I have to scream."

It seems to me latelythat I am fading from friends and fast. So many little things bug me and I hate it. There are some friends that act like they don't want anything to do with me or so it seems. And to be quite honest it is tearing me apart because I feel I can't talk to them about it because we are fading so fast. As for Meagan-Leigh things aren't normal with us anymore. I finally added her back but we hardly ever talk. Mostly because I am hesitant to get close to her ever again. I just really hate it where it all comes down to this. I need friends my past shows that I need them to live seeing as I don't have much else. I can't let go like this.

"Because these words were never easier, for me to say, or her to second guess."

As for George I am officially done with him. DONE. I am not... no... I REFUSE to let myself get chewed up and spit out by him. If he really loved me like he said he did he would try harder to stay with me and would have tried harder rather than fucking it up all the god damn time. I'm done. I hope his little fling with me was good for him because I am done handing out chances like it's candy.


Soo... that's enough venting for now... can't realy think about anything else I wanna say... so... sionara..

do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind [3/10/09]

Blah. That seems to be all I can say about my life at the moment. Cause right now I really really really hate it. Let us go over all the bullshit that has happened lately. Shall we?

Well for starters let's talk about the big thing that happened. I had the absolutely shittiest Valentines week ever. Seeing as George broke up with me during it. I fucking hate him so bad right now. Thanks to him my life is a bigger hell than it was before.

The ass broke up with me like 4 days before Valentines Day saying he found someone else. And I am pretty sure they started dating the day before while I was home upset and sick seeing as he made me get rid of my puppy and I fucking loved that dog more than anything. You can ask anybody who has seen me with her. She was my baby.

So now he is with her and from what I have heard they had sex a week after they started dating. Isn't that nice? Really supports the idea that he broke up with me because I wouldn't sleep with him. Which is a bunch of bullshit. I held him so much higher than that. He swore he would wait for me. Wait untill I was ready. But apparently he can't wait too long. And apparently he isn't one to hold a promise with.

Speaking of promises, let me add this little thing. George proposed to me a while ago and I accepted. That promise was obviously broken. And apparently only a couple days after George and whatsherface got together he proposed to her too. Isn't that nice? Certainly makes me feel as played as hell. I really hate myself and my life. Why can't someone like me and purely like me not just wanting to get in my pants or making me another girl to tally on their record of how many girls they can get with.

We were together for a little more than 9 months. And now that is all down the toilet. Why do I have to be stuck with all the shitty guys. Why can't the guys I like and know wont play me for a fucking fool just like me? What the hell is so wrong with me that all I can get is assholes?

It's pretty obvious I am upset about things. But you know I am so sick of this. I am sick of feeling upset and crying over his stupid ass because of how much he ruined those 9 months of my life. When I was sitting there thinking it was the best time of my life I was only fooling myself. Love is just a big bunch of bullshit. The only love that I can have is for friends. Just put walls around my fucking heart again so now if any guy says that they love me I get to question that. After all they could be another GEORGE and I don't want to make the same MISTAKE TWICE.

And of course me being the way I am I just want to go and fucking die after all of this. Because I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate feeling ALONE. I HATE feeling played. I HATE MYSELF. Especially since there were soo many fucking warning signs telling me to let it go otherwise it was going to kill me in the end. And I am starting to think it just might. Because I can't take this anymore. I was perfectly fine for a while untill I started seeing him again with his girlfriend. So obviously I can't take it. I've been trying to talk myself out of it but I am obviously just trying to fool myself there too.

I just can't believe this has all happened. You would think I would have had enough bullshit happening to me but nope. Just more shit just keeps happening, When is something good going to finally happen? Like people have been telling me, "things will be better". When? When I die? Cause I would rather not wait that long. I just wish that life would give me a god damn break and let me be happy. Cause I really really need it cause I am starting to lose faith and hope that shit will get better. The more shit that happens the more I am starting to believe my life is nothing more than a big piece of shit and it wont ever get better so why even bother being in it. Guh. I even restarted an old habit because of him. And I am terrified of telling my friends cause they are the only thing I can hold onto anymore. Although I am sure Laura will read this at some point and find out. And I just hope that she can forgive me for it. And just understand how the saying from Degrassi is true "once a cutter always a cutter".

Updateeee [12-3-08]

Oh man Christmas is creeping up fast. I can not wait for it. This year is going to be good with the presents if my mom isn't fibbing. I can not wait. But yeah it is December and you know what else is kind of around the corner? Graduation. I am SCARED out of my freakin mind. Why? Cause I don't know if I am ready for that next step in life. Well ready or not here it comes. Hopefully I wont trip.

Man there is a lot going on lately. Everyday someone else I know is pregnant. It is quite weird. Not so surprising anymore. I am just glad they at least tell me right? So I am not completely left out of the loop. Oh! And two of my friends are getting married. And I am ACTUALLY in one. It's crazy! The other one I am like not even invited. Meh. Whatever. At least Andie already told me I am in hers. It is a super honor. I am excited for it! I get to be a bride's maid woop! It's exciting.

George and I are back together. Don't remember if I mentioned it in my last blog if I did sorry. I am super super SUPER proud of him. He did GREAT on his exam today. He passed with flying colors. I am so happy with him. I knew he could do it. He is a super smart kid at what he does. I know it and he needs to know it too. Hopefully his score will give him confidence that he is great in that.

My cousin Bonnie is living in Florida now. I am so happy. I love Bonnie. She was always my favorite cousins out of them all. I remember growing up I wanted to be JUST LIKE her. Cause she was so badass and didn't care what people thought of her. I never had the courage for that. She was always so badass and hardcore in my eyes. And funny thing is after these years her looks have changed but not her attitude hahaha!

But however things have been kind of blah too. I am feeling more sickish lately. My stomach has been hurting so bad last few days it's unreal. And NO I am NOT pregnant for all of you who don't know I am still a virgin thank you very much. Just have stomach problems is all. But hey hopefully they will get better soon. Oh and by the way I am going to start a new weight loss thing sometime soon. I need it badly. I am getting super fat.

My step dad is being really douchebaglike lately. I sware I don't do anything right. Speaking of step dads I went down memory lane today. Totally not fun. I really fucking hate my past. For those who don't know, I was abused as a child. And it makes me not remember that period I was abused at. And I get terrified when I think of it cause I don't know what he could have done to me. I don't even remember what he looks like... Life goes on I guess. I just wish I wasn't so fucked up.

*sighs*

>.<'' VENT [X rated with curse words a lot, just a heads up]

I... Am.... So...... Fucking...... Pissed...

My mom is such a fucking bitch. I hate her I hate her I hate her. Go crawl in your little fucking hole mom and stay there.

I love how my mom is so fucking stupid that she bows to her husbands feet and kisses his feet all because she is afraid he will divorce her. Well in my opinion IT WOULD BE BETTER IF HE FUCKING DID. She gives him the power for whatever the fuck he wants. If he doesn't want me to do something then I can't fucking do it. Because HE doesn't want me to. Uhm hello sir you are NOT my father. You did NOT give me life. So you have NO right to fucking take my life away and tell me what I can't do.

I am ideally a great child according to everybody. I don't fucking do drugs, I don't sneak out late at night, I don't drink, don't smoke, I am still a virgin for fucks sake I am 17 and I think that is good cause at least I am not going around and getting pregnant like almost everyone else at my school. I spend most of my time fucking babysitting my sisters. 17 Years old and my life is dedicated to babysitting so I have nothing else to do isn't that great. It is wonderfuckingful you should try it sometime.

I seriously fucking love how Ray tells me that I wear too much makeup sometimes cause I like to put a lot of eyeliner on sometimes. Uhm HellfuckingO kids my age do that. People not my age do that. Shut the fuck up and get over it sir. At least I am not caking every little thing considered make up on. Fucking a.

Okay here is the reason I am pissed at this very moment people. I wanted my friend Desiree to come over but NOOOO. My 'parents' if you can even call them that. Their parenting skills suck more dick than a whore. But nope she can't why is this? Because they want to shit all over my fucking rainbow. They made up excuses like 'It is too last minute' and 'The house is a mess'. THE HOUSE IS ALWAYS A FUCKING MESS WHAT IS NEW. My parents room are fucking dirty 24/7 unless aliens pop down from the sky and steal the shit they leave off their floor. Yet they have the fucking nerve to tell everyone else to clean up. They are more fucking lazy than I am!

I have done shit for them every fucking day. Babysitting my sisters, cooking dinner cause mr. twinkie is too fat and lazy to even bother finishing it, a whole bunch of fucking shit. I EVEN gave up my room. My little room that was all mine. So Jordan can move in with me in that room cause it is too fucking crowded in Kayla and Kirstens room. Who in their fucking right mind would let their preteen sister move into their room by volunteer? Me. Cause I did it for her and everybody else.

But fuck no I can't even have a friend spend the night. Cause the house is a mess and Ray thinks this house is an monarchy and he is hitler or the spawn of jesus even. It is not fucking fair.

So this is how much my life sucks right now. Let us go over key points. My Dad acts like he barely even cares about my existance, My step dad thinks he can RULE my existance, my mom is just a fucking asshole who doesn't give a shit less about me. Or at least she is a great actress at it she should try to get in a movie as a self centered whore! I get to share a room with my ADHD/Autistic sister. Yay for me. My Dad is fading away. We hardly ever have money. My years of high school is ending which is good and bad. Good bye childhood. Hello fucking real world. Maybe if I am lucky the first second I step into the real world a train will derail and hit me or something. Only if I am lucky. I pretty much narrowed down that I have Depression and BiPolar disorder. I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life. The end period caplow. I know I have Depression from researching it and before I was having suicidal thoughts so yay for me. Something else is fucking wrong with me woopdedamndoo. Fuck I need Psychological help or something before I become some mass murderer or something.

Oh by the way George and I got back together. Which is good. Wow stop the tape something good is going on for once.

"They'll tear us apart if you give them the chance."...... And I did

To summarize this blog entry it would be this:
JKSFHJKSFNJKSNFSFJKNGJKNKGNJKSAN!!!!

Yeah but I will tell you the whole story instead.

I miss him. I miss him. Did I mention I miss him? GUH. I wish I didn't miss him so damn bad. I thought I was done moved on. It has been about a month. So why can't I just brush it off my shoulders?! This is killing me. Every time I see him my heart still does backflips. And it hurts how much I miss him. Meh. If I could I would rip out my beating heart from my chest and stomp it into the ground.

I don't really know if I miss him though but one thing is for damn sure. I miss that comfort. It is so freaking tempting to just walk up to him when I see him and just wrap my arms around him and hug him tight like I used to. And now we can't even be friends really because it is just not working out. Excuse my language but FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK,
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

It was not supposed to turn out this way. I wish I could turn back time or something. Freeze time and change things. Something. Why can't I make this right? Oh I remember because I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT. It is sad when people know more things about you than you do. I hate feeling like a stranger. I feel like I am inside someone I don't know and watching the same scene. Over and over. Day by day. Basically the same things.

I am supposed to be freaking happy today. I get to go see Twilight as a field trip. Today is supposed to be AMAZING. But no, something always has to ruin it. I saw him a total of 2 times today. Twice. Doesn't seem much but it is to me.

I miss him so bad. If it is him I am missing. Shit I am just missing. I am starting to wish that I didn't break up with him. I wish we were still together. Be able to watch the movie of our favorite book together. Like nothing happened ever. Just happy together. Or was I happy with him? I don't know. I don't know anything. I must be mentally retarded for not being able to know anything that can have a simple answer. Why did things have to mess up. Why do things always have to mess up. What am I going to do without him?

I really need to get a jump on going to the doctors to get those damn depression pills.....