Updateeee [12-3-08]

Oh man Christmas is creeping up fast. I can not wait for it. This year is going to be good with the presents if my mom isn't fibbing. I can not wait. But yeah it is December and you know what else is kind of around the corner? Graduation. I am SCARED out of my freakin mind. Why? Cause I don't know if I am ready for that next step in life. Well ready or not here it comes. Hopefully I wont trip.

Man there is a lot going on lately. Everyday someone else I know is pregnant. It is quite weird. Not so surprising anymore. I am just glad they at least tell me right? So I am not completely left out of the loop. Oh! And two of my friends are getting married. And I am ACTUALLY in one. It's crazy! The other one I am like not even invited. Meh. Whatever. At least Andie already told me I am in hers. It is a super honor. I am excited for it! I get to be a bride's maid woop! It's exciting.

George and I are back together. Don't remember if I mentioned it in my last blog if I did sorry. I am super super SUPER proud of him. He did GREAT on his exam today. He passed with flying colors. I am so happy with him. I knew he could do it. He is a super smart kid at what he does. I know it and he needs to know it too. Hopefully his score will give him confidence that he is great in that.

My cousin Bonnie is living in Florida now. I am so happy. I love Bonnie. She was always my favorite cousins out of them all. I remember growing up I wanted to be JUST LIKE her. Cause she was so badass and didn't care what people thought of her. I never had the courage for that. She was always so badass and hardcore in my eyes. And funny thing is after these years her looks have changed but not her attitude hahaha!

But however things have been kind of blah too. I am feeling more sickish lately. My stomach has been hurting so bad last few days it's unreal. And NO I am NOT pregnant for all of you who don't know I am still a virgin thank you very much. Just have stomach problems is all. But hey hopefully they will get better soon. Oh and by the way I am going to start a new weight loss thing sometime soon. I need it badly. I am getting super fat.

My step dad is being really douchebaglike lately. I sware I don't do anything right. Speaking of step dads I went down memory lane today. Totally not fun. I really fucking hate my past. For those who don't know, I was abused as a child. And it makes me not remember that period I was abused at. And I get terrified when I think of it cause I don't know what he could have done to me. I don't even remember what he looks like... Life goes on I guess. I just wish I wasn't so fucked up.

*sighs*

>.<'' VENT [X rated with curse words a lot, just a heads up]

I... Am.... So...... Fucking...... Pissed...

My mom is such a fucking bitch. I hate her I hate her I hate her. Go crawl in your little fucking hole mom and stay there.

I love how my mom is so fucking stupid that she bows to her husbands feet and kisses his feet all because she is afraid he will divorce her. Well in my opinion IT WOULD BE BETTER IF HE FUCKING DID. She gives him the power for whatever the fuck he wants. If he doesn't want me to do something then I can't fucking do it. Because HE doesn't want me to. Uhm hello sir you are NOT my father. You did NOT give me life. So you have NO right to fucking take my life away and tell me what I can't do.

I am ideally a great child according to everybody. I don't fucking do drugs, I don't sneak out late at night, I don't drink, don't smoke, I am still a virgin for fucks sake I am 17 and I think that is good cause at least I am not going around and getting pregnant like almost everyone else at my school. I spend most of my time fucking babysitting my sisters. 17 Years old and my life is dedicated to babysitting so I have nothing else to do isn't that great. It is wonderfuckingful you should try it sometime.

I seriously fucking love how Ray tells me that I wear too much makeup sometimes cause I like to put a lot of eyeliner on sometimes. Uhm HellfuckingO kids my age do that. People not my age do that. Shut the fuck up and get over it sir. At least I am not caking every little thing considered make up on. Fucking a.

Okay here is the reason I am pissed at this very moment people. I wanted my friend Desiree to come over but NOOOO. My 'parents' if you can even call them that. Their parenting skills suck more dick than a whore. But nope she can't why is this? Because they want to shit all over my fucking rainbow. They made up excuses like 'It is too last minute' and 'The house is a mess'. THE HOUSE IS ALWAYS A FUCKING MESS WHAT IS NEW. My parents room are fucking dirty 24/7 unless aliens pop down from the sky and steal the shit they leave off their floor. Yet they have the fucking nerve to tell everyone else to clean up. They are more fucking lazy than I am!

I have done shit for them every fucking day. Babysitting my sisters, cooking dinner cause mr. twinkie is too fat and lazy to even bother finishing it, a whole bunch of fucking shit. I EVEN gave up my room. My little room that was all mine. So Jordan can move in with me in that room cause it is too fucking crowded in Kayla and Kirstens room. Who in their fucking right mind would let their preteen sister move into their room by volunteer? Me. Cause I did it for her and everybody else.

But fuck no I can't even have a friend spend the night. Cause the house is a mess and Ray thinks this house is an monarchy and he is hitler or the spawn of jesus even. It is not fucking fair.

So this is how much my life sucks right now. Let us go over key points. My Dad acts like he barely even cares about my existance, My step dad thinks he can RULE my existance, my mom is just a fucking asshole who doesn't give a shit less about me. Or at least she is a great actress at it she should try to get in a movie as a self centered whore! I get to share a room with my ADHD/Autistic sister. Yay for me. My Dad is fading away. We hardly ever have money. My years of high school is ending which is good and bad. Good bye childhood. Hello fucking real world. Maybe if I am lucky the first second I step into the real world a train will derail and hit me or something. Only if I am lucky. I pretty much narrowed down that I have Depression and BiPolar disorder. I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life. The end period caplow. I know I have Depression from researching it and before I was having suicidal thoughts so yay for me. Something else is fucking wrong with me woopdedamndoo. Fuck I need Psychological help or something before I become some mass murderer or something.

Oh by the way George and I got back together. Which is good. Wow stop the tape something good is going on for once.

"They'll tear us apart if you give them the chance."...... And I did

To summarize this blog entry it would be this:
JKSFHJKSFNJKSNFSFJKNGJKNKGNJKSAN!!!!

Yeah but I will tell you the whole story instead.

I miss him. I miss him. Did I mention I miss him? GUH. I wish I didn't miss him so damn bad. I thought I was done moved on. It has been about a month. So why can't I just brush it off my shoulders?! This is killing me. Every time I see him my heart still does backflips. And it hurts how much I miss him. Meh. If I could I would rip out my beating heart from my chest and stomp it into the ground.

I don't really know if I miss him though but one thing is for damn sure. I miss that comfort. It is so freaking tempting to just walk up to him when I see him and just wrap my arms around him and hug him tight like I used to. And now we can't even be friends really because it is just not working out. Excuse my language but FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK,
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

It was not supposed to turn out this way. I wish I could turn back time or something. Freeze time and change things. Something. Why can't I make this right? Oh I remember because I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT. It is sad when people know more things about you than you do. I hate feeling like a stranger. I feel like I am inside someone I don't know and watching the same scene. Over and over. Day by day. Basically the same things.

I am supposed to be freaking happy today. I get to go see Twilight as a field trip. Today is supposed to be AMAZING. But no, something always has to ruin it. I saw him a total of 2 times today. Twice. Doesn't seem much but it is to me.

I miss him so bad. If it is him I am missing. Shit I am just missing. I am starting to wish that I didn't break up with him. I wish we were still together. Be able to watch the movie of our favorite book together. Like nothing happened ever. Just happy together. Or was I happy with him? I don't know. I don't know anything. I must be mentally retarded for not being able to know anything that can have a simple answer. Why did things have to mess up. Why do things always have to mess up. What am I going to do without him?

I really need to get a jump on going to the doctors to get those damn depression pills.....

Life = Chaos

So I haven't written anything in here for a while. Sorry about that. Forgot I even had one for a while. But man oh man I am either feeling majorly pessimistic lately or things are getting chaotic. Maybe both. I am known sometimes for my major pessimism. I don't know it seems a lot of things are going wrong lately.

George is an ex of mine and we broke up pretty much a month ago. He is still holding onto it for dear life though. He will NOT let go. He swears up and down to everyone that we are getting back together. I so badly wanted to stay being friends with him but it just isn't going to work out it seems. And in a way that hurts. I don't want him out of my life completely. I still feel like I need him sometimes. But I can't see him anymore without ending up feeling depressed because of everything he has been doing to me. I am sick of being sad over him. I am sick of being sad period.

I am so depressed lately. Half the time I don't even have a reason to be. It is seriously driving me insane. I super hate it. I am really thinking about getting depression pills or something. I am tired of being sad. I am tired of being angry cause shit sucks. And my anger is really getting out of control. I can't live like this. I shouldn't have to live like this. I really do think I am possibly bipolar. I should probably get something for that too.

I really really really miss my Dad. I am trying harder to see him. We were supposed to go to Halloween Horror Nights this year but it didn't happen. He was too busy with work. I really really miss him. He is supposed to come down soon and see me but I don't know. I really really hate only seeing him a little bit at a time. Whenever I do see him I get super clingy. Never leave his side. He means so much to me it really sucks. I wish he lived closer or something. I hate missing him so much. He is my Dad he should be there all the time but he isn't. Kind of sucks whenever you acknowledge that emptiness.

So College is coming up soon. I still have no freakin idea what I want to do. I figure I will stick with computer stuff cause it seems something I am the best at. I kind of think about going to Rasmussen College. It looks like a really good school. And it isn't too costly neither which helps immensely. It is hard to believe that High School is going to end just around the corner. It is unbelievable how time has passed. I am certainly going to miss a lot of people. Especially if I do move like I want to. I need to get the hell out of this town. Too many bad memories. Sucks when you have lived here 16 3/4 years of your life here in the same house.

So many bad things have been happening it is unbelievable. It is weird because I feel like things are collapsing around me. Then again I could be getting paranoid again. And I fucking hate this. I am regretting a lot of things right about now. I am so stupid. Guh. One of my really really good guy friends Jonathan could have died this last weekend in a car accident. So lucky he came out with only airbag burn. He is one of the only guys I can trust. And that hit me pretty hard. I don't have a clue what I would do without Jonathan. He is one of the best friends I could ask for.

Weirdest thing right here. I feel empty and alone. I don't even know why. I shouldn't feel that way because I have amazing friends who are always around and stuff like that. And I appreciate everything they do for me. And I love spending time with them. Cause honestly I would not trade the friends I have for ANYTHING in the world. I just feel lately like I am a stranger in my own life. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I must be going insane HAHA. Nothing new. I blame George. His insaneness must have rubbed off on me. I just don't get what is going on though. I feel like a stranger in my own skin. Meh.

Well I will end it here. I have things to do. And I am done ranting and venting things out on here. Peace.

To All Of My Friends.. [song for you]

Remember Me This Way

by Jordan Hill

Every now and then

We find a special friend

Who never lets us down

Who understands it all

Reaches out each time you fall

You're the best friend that I've found

I know you can't stay

A part of you will never ever go away

Your heart will stay

I'll make a wish for you

And hope it will come true

That life would just be kind

To such a gentle mind

If you lose your way

Think back on yesterday

Remember me this way

Remember me this way

Hmm……….. this way

I don't need eyes to see

The love you bring to me

No matter where I go

And I know that you'll be there

Forever more apart of me, you're everywhere

I'll always care

I'll make a wish for you

And hope it will come true

That life will just be kind

To such a gentle mind

If you lose your way

Think back on yesterday

Remember me this way

Remember me this way

And I'll be right behind your shoulder watching you

I'll be standing by your side and all you do

And I won't ever leave

As long as you believe

You just believe

I'll make a wish for you

And hope it will come true

That life can just be kind

To such a gentle mind

If you lose your way

Think back on yesterday

Remember me this way

Remember me this way

Oooh...... This way.

Let Music Take You

Hey guys. It is me again. Dur. lol. Anyways, today was pretty good. Cause I have awesome friends at school who make me happy and make me smile. I got a bunch of hugs today! I love hugs. The biggest hug I got today has to be from Jonathan. Cause he gave me a HUGE hug. And Jonathan gives great hugs ^.^ lol. I missed 'my gay boyfriend' Jeesh today but hopefully he will be at school tomorrow xD

So I am going to state the obvious here. Music. Is. Amazing. I bet you are wondering 'GEE WHEATY WHY ARE YOU INSULTING OUR INTELLIGENCE WITH THIS LITTLE PIECE OF INFO?' But really I don't have an answer. I guess because I like insulting your intelligience? I dunno.

My guess would be ever since Monday I have been more attatched to music and the songs I listen to get me by. Like, When I'm Gone by Simple Plan is a good song to release pent up anger for certain things. And other things that I can relate to at the moment. Here is a list of a few that I have been listening to this week.

• When I'm Gone by Simple Plan
• Your Love Is A Lie by Simple Plan
• Trashed and Scattered by Avenged Sevenfold
• Don't Tell Me by Avril Lavigne [really I have listened to a bunch of her lately.
• My Happy Ending by Avril Lavigne
• Broken by Secondhand Serenade
• Crash and Burn by Savage Garden
• It Only Hurts by Default
• Saints Of Los Angeles by Motley Crue [cause they kick ass]
• Pretty much all SIXX: A.M. songs
• Paramore
• etc.

So yeah that is a small list to me by the way cause it could be wayy longer. And it should be because I listen to more than just those but those are the ones I listen to most this week. And really I have noticed that music can and will help you in ways you won't acknowledge all the time. Like if you feel lonely you can easily break out the iPod or whatever you have, and listen to certain songs to make you feel better.

Same goes with about everything else. And me, I love my music. I swear I would die without it. Cause sometimes you feel like music is all you can turn to when there are times you can't contact friends to talk about it and whatever. Good thing I have music then! Well at least my friends would say so lol.

I am sure that you non-Staind fans are wondering why I named my blog everything changesxx. Well here we go I will explain it to you. Everything Changes is a song by Staind and a damn good one at that. I love the lyrics in the song although when I first listened to it it made me so sad I would cry listening to it. Yes people it is amazing this heartless person can cry but she can. Proven fact ;] ANYWAYS, after listening to it now it is a good song to go by. Because it is true. EVERYTHING changes. Maybe not all at once but it sure as hell does and I know that for a fact.

Life is like a softball game. Only because I am a lame softball nerd. Wooh. But anyways, you go up to bat maybe you feel a little scared and worried. Every problem you have in life is an inning when you are up to bat. And you just have to hope you don't strike out or get out for your team. Aka your friends and people who care about you. Opposite team is Fate. And sometimes fate will throw you a curveball or something difficult like it and you just have to lean back, relax, and crush the thing out of the park. Granted people strike out or fly out all the time but that only shows we aren't perfect and with each strike or out we get we learn how to prevent that from happening again. And hope that when it comes to your last inning in life all you can do is hope that you did your best.

I am sure that made absolutely no sense but that was just me trying to put things into metaphors I guess? Haha now that you have lost a little bit of IQ from me talking about softball and innings in life like an idiot I will end this here. Haha.

Chao!

-wheaty

Wooh Wheaty has a blog now

Yay first blog
really it is my first blog ever haha
well I will make this my introduction
my name is Whittney
nickname is Wheaty
and most people call me that
so I stick to it
I am 17 and a Senior
fun stuff last year
live in Florida not going to say much more of where I live
cause you really dont need to know
my life is a rollercoaster of drama
and these things will probably have most of my drama in it
sorry for your luck
dont read it if you dont want to hear my BS
but luckily my friends
ALL of them
are the best friends anyone can ever ask for
they know who they are
anyways I am ending this here
hope you... erm... enjoy my blog? lol

-wheaty